Sex And Dating

Every widow I've talked to, myself included, felt her body close down when her husband died. You feel numb, and at the same time, you may also have sexual feelings that manifest in aberrant ways. I found many other widows who said and felt similarly bizarre things. Immediately following Steve's death, Chloe experienced lots of "crazy emotions." All of a sudden and for no apparent reason, she fantasized about having sex with her neighbor - feelings that really scared her. A wise friend, Boston Social Worker Karen Koenig, once told me "Fantasies about having sex with inappropriate people are healthy, as long as you don't act on them." Her statement and the realization that others have tread this same path, made me feel a lot less foolish. According to psychoanalyst John Hassler of La Jolla, California, it is common for young widows to have a series of sexual encounters. These affairs give widows permission to feel and reaffirm their aliveness. Date or Not to Date: For some women, dating again isn't an option due to their culture, the way they were raised, peer pressure, or simply their own beliefs. Betsy felt that her husband was the love of her life and therefore couldn't think about finding another partner. She instead put her energy into her work developing a haberdashery that she named "Henry's Place" after her husband. She chose to put her sexual energy aside and to channel her efforts into a monument of sorts for her Henry. Betsy isn't alone. Many widows feel that dating just isn't for them. Other widows while enjoying male companionship prefer their independence and do not want the entanglement of a new relationship. The desire to overcome loneliness is a major developmental task facing widows. Each will confront it in her own way. Some of us plow full speed into business ventures or return to school, others find comfort in the company of other widows and single women friends, some widows' venture into the dating world.